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» » » Maroka Uchiyama's "reBORN" makes ayumi hamasaki's voice sound like gold


For those who didn't know, Maroka Uchiyama, also known as MARO, also known as ayumi hotmesssaki's ex-dancer, also probably more infamously known as that guy ayumi hotmesssaki fucked for 2 seconds before dumping him, recently released his latest single "reBORN". 

You might have also been wondering where I've been for the past few days. Long story short, I heard the song and had to go to the A&E from bleeding ears.

You've been warned:



Whatever it is that MAROKA seems to have ~*reBORN*~ (pronounced as "rebong", apparently) into, I sure as hell hope he goes back into whichever vagina he came out from. You can dance well, you can afford a haircut, you can eat grass for days on end, but you sure as hell can't sing. The song literally gets worse by the second and by the end of it I don't even know if I should be laughing or crying. The only good part of the song I could hear was in the beginning and the end, i.e. complete silence.

While I'll give him the benefit of doubt that he's intentionally singing shittily to mock Ayu's voice, he should've thrown in Ayu's signature vibrato at the end of every line to be more convincing. If not, this song is just gonna give Ayu a huge ego boost because she's finally found someone who sings worse than her.

Or what if! It's this unknown contagious disease that Ayu has that causes everyone around her to be unable to sing. JENG JENG JENG! No wonder she doesn't hang out with the other J-Pop hoes, and Koda Kumi must've always feared for her dear life every time she sat beside her on Music Station. I shall hereby call this the "ayumi hamasaki syndrome".

Let's also take a moment to talk about how you have to fork out 10,500 yen (i.e. your right arm, left leg and dignity) to join his official fan club. God bless all the unfortunate people who signed up for this shit. Who the fuck does Maro think he is tbh? Has being fired as a dancer taken a toll on your bank account? Can't afford more grass?

Plus, he'll never be taken seriously as a singer. Especially when your record label is named "PANTY RECORD".

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